Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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