hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
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