If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Randomize
