I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
