Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
