I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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