I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Randomize
