MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
