I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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