**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
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