I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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