i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
