just come out here and I will go home with you...
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
He felt like a one man threesome
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
