The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
