Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Randomize
