Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
