YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
Randomize
