I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
