i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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