yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
