I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
