Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
