I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Randomize
