I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Randomize
