He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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