he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
