So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
