I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
they're like a gay fantastic four
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Randomize
