I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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