Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
