I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
