Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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