How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
