I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
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