i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
