my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
