Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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