Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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