I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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