does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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