i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
We don't watch enough power rangers
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
