If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
