last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
