the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
She left her panties here. They looked SOOO much smaller last night.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
