How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
