I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
