Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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