I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
nutella sex= disaster
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
Randomize
