This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
