rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Randomize