You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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