i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
