His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
