You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize