Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
