I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
