i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
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