I puked a lego.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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