that's an acceptable place to lick
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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