the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
