giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
Randomize
