She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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