I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
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