I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
