Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
Randomize
