He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Randomize
