i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
