Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
