flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
