happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
foreskin is a definite game changer
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
