I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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